Watching Myself Dwindle
I don't have much to say really. I've been spending alot of time with my mom and we've been getting along better than ever. It's great, I'm happy and I hope it lasts! What I have with her now is the relationship I've always wanted, so my heart is all warm and fuzzy about that! :)
Physically, I've been shedding in all the other places where hair has remained, which is my eyebrows and eyelashes. I've also been feeling alot more tired. My legs (calves especially) are really tight and I can no longer walk very far without feeling as though my calves are going to give in. The bottom of my eyelashes are almost fully gone. I'm hanging onto about 4-5 lashes on my left eye and my right eye has a bit more, but it's just going at a slower rate. Fortunately, my top lashes are not that bad. My nails are darker and are almost fully covered now. My eyebrows are also thinning too. I don't think they can hang on for the month or two when I complete my chemotherapy. :( I'm thinner in some places, like my wrists and bloated in other places like my belly. It hurts looking at myself in the mirror sometimes and sometimes it's too much that I breakdown, but it's all part of the game....and I have to play, there's no choice in the matter.
I've been somewhat of a champ throughout my treatments thus far because I've been hanging onto the fact that I don't look that sickly. With a hat on you'd doubt I was even going through treatments. I guess now I just have to accept this disease fully. Any ounce of denial I had carried with me I have to let go of. I will be completely hairless very soon and will look like a cancer patient...something I was trying to avoid. It's alright though, it is what it is and I am what I am. It's just hair, right? Although I'm very bothered by this new loss, I just can't spend time stressing over it. There's no point...I can't control it and if it will prevent this from coming back, then I will gladly hand over the hairs I have left. I've never been a fan of make-up and I don't plan on starting...especially by painting new eyebrows! LOL!
I'll take close up pictures of me and post them soon so you can see. My next cycle is Friday December 15th. I'm dreading it, as usual!
posted by Zuni (a.k.a Jenny) at 8:30 AM
5 Comments:
Jen,
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder...I still think you look good and pretty. I know that we, women tend to be to concern about our looks, weight and beauty but what really counts and matters is our inner self and sometimes we forget that. Your eyebrows and eye lashes will grow back in no time you'll see.
What chemo cannot make you loose is your inner beauty which is your personality, intelligence and all those qualities that you have as a great human being.
Hang in there.
love,
Chiquita
December 13, 2006 11:04 AM
I totally agree with "Chiquita". Even though you may be "dwindling" and physically drained, you are growing as a person with each challenge that you overcome.
And even if you don't feel it at times, your inner strength comes across as something truly inspirational to us all. If you can get through this, you can do anything.
Your journey and reflections motivate me to never take anything forgranted. To live each day to the fullest and enjoy the seemingly little things... "moments". To cherish family and friends and all those I am blessed to encounter. And I truly am blessed to have you in my life. You mean more to me than you'll ever know.
So, yes, hang in there. You'll get through it all and become a new and improved Jenny!!
December 13, 2006 1:17 PM
Jen... what beautiful insights we have here. I can't help but be amazed at what you have also done to us. You may lose your bottom eyelashes but you are gaining this beauty that none of us would have. I've seen the new post but I think you still look the same. You're still Jenny! With that same smile that used to greet me and that wrinkle on your forehead that says "I care, I'm listening..."
Hang in there, we're here for you.
Row
December 14, 2006 8:26 AM
Man these comments posted here almost made me not post a comment at all. They are so deep and inspirational that it just makes me feel like saying something deep and inspirational too. Hmmm let me think .....
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and
you'll have their shoes. "
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I
drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass
and think about the workers in the brewery and all
of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this
beer, they might be out of work and their dreams
would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams
come true than to be selfish and worry about my
liver.'"
Hope this put a smile on your beautiful beautiful face Jenny. Luv ya kid.
Ted
December 14, 2006 9:14 AM
It's so hard for me to get through reading your post this time. My heart is truly breaking and I am helpless. It's so painful being on the oustside looking in. I can only imagine what you are going through. Hats off to you for being so courageous in this battle. There is no day that goes by where I have not lifted you up in prayer.
With you in spirit,
Val
December 14, 2006 10:11 AM
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