My Five Year Anniversary - July 21, 2006

Five years ago.  

It was five years ago that my life changed forever.

Forever, for the better.

It's really hard to believe how fast time has flown by.

And what these last five years have encompassed.

I've endured treatment, pain and suffering.

However, my life has been enlightened by the fear that comes with what can often be, simply, the hopelessness of cancer.

And it's been a good fear to have because now I'm finally living - I'm not ready to go just yet!

Five years ago.

It was five years ago that that I started to let go of the materialistic, pretencious, status-focused things that most of us think life is all about.

This was for the better.

Five years ago.

It's been five years and I'm still here.

It was five years ago I wondered and prayed if I would reach age 30.

Yes, it's an accomplishment.  There's no doubt in that.

But as I look to the future, to the next five years, I am frightened by the fear that comes with what can often be, the dreaded recurrance of cancer.

It's a fear that makes me want to live harder.  Just in case!

Today I am thankful, Today I am happy, Today and for a while now I am no longer consumed by superficial things.

I'm consumed with experiencing Life at its fullest, with being with my family and friends, travelling and truly connecting and making a positive difference with those who cross my path.

For the next five years, I will continue to live one day at a time, helping, loving, caring, laughing, seeing, trying, being, listening, understanding, and hoping to just be....me.

Today, after five years, I have a bit more hope.  It's a hope that comes with what can often be, simply, just making it to the five year mark.  J

More Than Long Overdue - My Last and Final Treatment

Hi Everyone,

I know it's been long overdue, but i've been putting off writing my final post because there's just been so much to write about. I figure I'll do it in "baby steps" and will eventually get you all caught up. Consider this post one of many to get you caught up! :)

MY LAST TREATMENT:

February 21, 2008 - My final treatment of Herceptin and a ticket to fly to the Philippines with my father the very next day: What's there to say? After going to the hospital religiously every three weeks for treatment I FINALLY reach the end of my treatments. I think back at an earlier post where this day seemed sooooo far away, but here it is. I had a friend, Michelle Yee, meeting me at the hospital that day because she's a professional photographer wanting to use me as a subject for a project called, "The Cancer Connection", where Canadian photographers of all levels take photos of people living, suffering or who have lost someone to the disease. I also had one of my best friends, Daryl Branton and his family meet me too. Heidi, my soul sister also came to meet me that day. Treatment that day was bittersweet. There was a part of me that was happy....overjoyed, rather to finally have my last treatment. A sigh of relief because I FINALLY get to have my life back after this. Then there's the side of me that's just sad. Sad because I've bonded with the patients and staff of St. Mike's and so worried because after this treatment, that's it.....no more treatments and the simple fact that I'm no longer doing anything active to fight off this disease just stirs up fear that the cancer will come back.

My last treatment was just that, my last treatment. I was surrounded by close friends and my brother, I had nurses cheering for me because I made it, but it was surreal.

I brought the nurses a framed photo I took at the cottage that was donated to me through Cottage Dreams. I blew it up and framed it in hopes that they could find wall space to hang it. After a year and a half of their care, I needed to give them something that would last. Something to remember me by because all of them will forever have a place in my heart. I also blew up a photo for my oncologist that she could hang in her office. Below, are the two photos:




After treatment, I had lunch at The Pickle Barrel in Yorkdale Mall to celebrate this day with Daryl, Alma, Nuriah, Zahra, Liz and Jun.

Thank you Heidi, Jun, Michelle, Dee, Alma and kids for witnessing and cheering me on this day. I love you with all my heart!

Tomorrow, I go to the Philippines....

How I've Been...

It's been over three months since I last wrote on my blog. I stopped because I just didn't have much to say that was new or exciting.

Yesterday, I had treatment. It was my third last Herceptin treatment and then I'M DONE! Yes, that's right, I'm done! It would be myself in and out of the hospital for over a year and half of treatment, ALL DONE!! I have my next treatment scheduled on Jan. 31st and my last one on Feb. 21st. Am I excited? Of course! Am I scared? HELL YEAH! Although it may seem like a relief not to go to the hospital every three weeks, like I've told many people, there's something comforting about actively doing something to fight the cancer off. Once treatment ends, it just feels like there's a guard down and the cancer could come back. I will be continuing hormonal treatment for the next 4.5 years, but that's just a pill and doesn't require me to go to the hospital.

I have officially gained almost 30 crazy pounds of weight since I was diagnosed. This depresses me, but every time I get down about it, the angel that resides in my soul reminds me that I should just be happy to be alive, so I am. Manulife is working with me to regain my strength back in my legs and left upper body side (surgery side) and also strengthen my heart by giving me a six month membership to a gym. I thought that was very nice of them. I just signed the papers two days ago, and I will try to beat the fatigue of yesterday's treatment and at least do a little work out today.

Physically, I'm getting better slowly. My legs don't bother me as much anymore. I saw a physiotherapist for my knee and she's helped it out alot. I'm hoping that with the exercise it will only get better.

I have developed a polyp in my uterus. Apparently this is normal when taking Tamoxifen (hormonal treatment). I had gone in for a routine pelvic examination and the lady told me that my uterus wall is thick and that she can see a polyp. My oncologist said she'll monitor it to see if there's any further changes. If there are, this could lead to endometrial cancer. "Friggin' FANTASTIC!!"

My heart has been doing well, my last heart test I was 62% which is a great improvement from the 50% I was post-chemo. I only hope to see that number increase as I start an exercise regime.

Now for the real life stuff! Christmas was good. I had celebrated Christmas with friends at my house since it was my first Christmas at my new house. It was great! I bought my first Christmas tree and decorated it in clear lights and all gold ornaments. It looked so beautiful. It's funny that only now after over 10 years of living on my own have I purchased a Christmas tree. My party was on Dec. 15th, the day of the big snow storm, but every one showed and being with all my friends was just heartwarming!

Life, as challenging as its been for me the last year and half is still very beautiful! I still try to create memorable moments any way I can and I'm trying to live out the best life I can. 2007 was a crappy, crappy year, but I survived it and it has only made me stronger. I just hope life gets a little easier for me because I can definitely use the break!

My niece, Jade, now lives with us. She moved in mid-December from living with her mom in Newcastle. She's happy here and definitely brings me joy every day! She just started school this week at her "new" school and has made friends easily. It was a little crazy at first because I have always treated my niece as my own daughter, but now having her actually live here has truly made me an instant mom. I wake up at 7am to make her lunch and breakfast and I'm constantly making sure that she's being well provided for. I help with homework, I am ....an instant mom! I'm still trying to adjust to waking up this early, but I figure it will only prepare me for when I return to work. It's hard work, motherhood, but I try to bite my tongue about whining about it because reality is, I may not ever have children thanks to cancer and so I want to live out my urge to be a mother with Jade.

I won't lie, I've had many challenges in the last three months, year for that matter. Most of them too personal to mention here, but what I can say is that I'm doing my very best to keep my head straight and above water. There HAS to be angel watching over me because I have the strength, patience and wisdom of an elephant! I have weak moments, but I don't allow myself to dwell or sink. My doctors are very concerned about my well-being as they feel that the current stress in my life will cause my cancer to return. I agree, and because I NEVER want to go through that again, I have seeked help and guidance.

New Years was very quiet. It really felt like an ordinary day. I, along with Jun and Jade went to my friend Daryl's house and celebrated New Years with him and his family.

I'll try to write some more once I think of what else to write. :)

Bye for now,
Jen

V.I.P

I should have posted this story a while ago, but I just haven't found the time to do so. On Friday September 7th, the day after my Herceptin treatment, I checked myself into emergency at Scarborough General Hospital. Earlier that day, I was at Mt. Sinai and as I was driving home I turned my A/C on and off and I found that my chest was getting tight, it was becoming difficult for me to breathe. By the time I got home, I was so tired, all I wanted to do was sleep. I laid down, closed my eyes and thought, "What if this is the Herceptin and my heart is really weak right now? What if my heart just stops while I'm sleeping???" A part of me laughed at the thought, but another part of me was freaked out! There was no way I could sleep.

I got up, drove myself over to the nearest hospital and checked myself in. The funny thing is that when you look at me I look healthy. With my hair growing back and all the fat around my bones from the meds, I look a-ok. So when I told the lady at the front desk that I wanted to check myself in, she looked at me puzzled and said questionably, "What for??" I then informed her, "I'm a breast cancer patient and just had Herceptin treatment yesterday and my chest is feeling really tight. I'm having difficulty breathing and I'm afraid it might be a result of my treatment yesterday..." She sat me down, took my vitals and some basic info and told me to wait to get myself registered. I waited for half an hour to get registered, but once I was registered, I was immediately given a bed in a room. I say, "in a room" because there were patients in beds in the hallway. 15 minutes after that, a nurse came in and took some blood and gave me oxygen. 15 minutes after that I was seen by the doctor. I know all of this because there was nothing to do or look at but the clock that was right in front of me. I thought, "Damn, having cancer has it's privileges here in the ER!"

About an hour later, another nurse came in and wanted to take more blood, but from an artery and not a vein. She explained to me they wanted to test the blood that my heart was pumping to my lungs to see how much oxygen it's carrying. I asked the nurse, "so where are you taking blood???" and she said nonchalantly, "Just the inside of your wrist - it hurts a little more than getting blood from a vein because there are a lot of nerves inside your wrist." Yeah, you can imagine how excited I was to hear that!! I'm not afraid of needles, but I am afraid of being poked in such delicate places. The doctor ordered a chest x-ray as well and I can't lie, but I was so frightened that the cause might have been that the cancer spread to my lungs!

Happily, after approximately three hours after I was discharged. It took just over an hour to get the results back from the blood and another two hours or so for Scarborough Gen to obtain my chart by fax from St. Mike's. It was hard to pinpoint what happened to me. After they took blood and gave me oxygen I started to feel normal again, so it was difficult for the doctor to diagnose me. My stepmother was convinced that it was a combination of me having a really awful allergy season this year and the fact that I went from an air-conditioning environment to a non-air conditioning environment. I ran this thought to the doctor and he said, "it's very possible". Thursday and Friday were very humid days and he said that alot of asthma patients were coming in.

I will never really know happened to be that day. It was a little scary because I was all alone and in a hospital where all these tests were being run on me and I just had to sit and wait it out with the fear that the cancer was back, but in my lungs, or that the Herceptin has made major damage to my heart. You know, I guess I will never take anything that happens to my body lightly any more. I don't think any one with cancer ever will. Any little ache or pain will always bring up the dreaded question, "Is it back??"

It was an interesting Friday night to say the least. I saw an attempted suicide patient who slit her neck with a razor and was bleeding and refusing treatment from the nurses. She had blood all over her gown and it dripping down her leg. They sat her in the hallway just outside of my room. Oh lovely!! It was downright horrifying! I had the choice of staring back at that clock in front of me or looking at her in wonder. I couldn't help but be fascinated by the story each patient carries with them and the nurses that are so used to what I think is madness in that emergency room - some fighting for life and some wanting to end theirs. It's crazy!

Since then, I haven't had any chest pain or difficulty breathing. I guess my stepmother was right and it was the humidity. Who knows! I'm just glad it wasn't anything major! Now I have one more hospital card to add to my collection. ;)

Cottage Dreams: Tree House

I got back Thursday night from the cottage. I was supposed to have it until noon on Friday, but I had to leave early to attend my softball playoffs. It was a wonderful week and much too short for my liking! I can't be any more grateful to Cottage Dreams, Annika (the cottage owner) and my financial sponsor for giving me the opportunity to spend time here. Here are some photos I took while I was up there:

A photo of the cottage standing on the dock:



My first sunset on Sunday Sept 9th:









The sunset on September 11th:



Another sunset, September 12th:






Sunrise the morning I had to leave (Thursday Sept 13):







A shot of some of the landscaping on the property:

Things Ahead

Last week I got placed by the ever-so-wonderful Cottage Dreams. The cottage I'm getting will be up in Haliburton and I just ordered a book on Chapters online to take up with me.

I can't describe how excited I am to go. I really, really, really need this. The solitude, the lake at dawn, the sunsets, the much needed me-time to pamper myself and take the last year in, to take off the masks and deal with any unrested issues that may lie within my soul. I can't wait!

The link to the cottage is: www.lakekashcottage.ca

The book I ordered today is a book on dealing with life after cancer/treatments. I was sold when I read "Finishing Treatment: The Very First Weeks" towards the bottom of the page. It was exactly me to a tee! I hope to get some insight and guidance as I try to move forward from all this.

I have treatment again this coming Thursday. I'm hoping I get to see my oncologist because I have a few questions/concerns that I'd like answered. For one, I recently got my periods back. I'm not sure if that's exactly a good thing or not and I've been getting nose bleeds almost every night since and I have no idea whether its just a coincidence since I'm currently suffering from major ragweed attacks or something I should be worried about. hmm...

Other than that, I've been tired, irritated and in need of a serious getaway!! I'm just counting the days down before it's time I get to go to the cottage. On a lighter note, I'm happy that I launched my new photography website a couple of weeks ago. It can be seen at www.zuniphotography.com.

I'll be in touch and sorry if this post is a little choppy, it's 2:50am and I'm tired.

MRI: Results

Results are NEGATIVE. My surgeon read the report and I quote, "There is no indication of local recurrence." This also coincides with my mammogram results.

"WHEW!"

...and I'm back at the hospital tomorrow morning for Herceptin.