I Couldn't Ask For A Better Day

Today is a fantasically fabulous, wonderful, magnificant, happy, joyous day! The sun's shining bright and it always shines this bright for me when good things come my way, doesn't it?! I heard the best news today and I'm sooooooo overjoyed, I'm floatin' on my cloud again.

Brace yourselves people....my heart test came back and my ejection fraction is a whopping....are you ready? get this....ok, really, are you really, really ready? are you sitting down? ok, ok, it came in at a whopping....64%!!! A 12% increase from what it was only three weeks ago! HIP, HIP...HOORAY! AND, I confessed to my oncologist about not taking Tamoxifen and she told me that I don't have to (yet), as I should wait and give my body some time to heal from the toxicity of the chemo and rads. She also said that the fact that I'm currently in menopause (hopefully temporary), there isn't a big urge to take it. HIP, HIP.....HOORAY!

She suggested that I take the pills that the cardiologist prescribed, so I will. She said that only good will come from it, as it will protect my heart. So I'm going to take that today and keep floatin' on my cloud!

I'm so elated! This is the best news I've heard in a while!!

bounce, bounce, bounce... :D

I am NOT Vince Carter!!! :P

I have yet another heart test this morning at St. Mike's. This will be my last one until a few months. The cardiologist told me that I don't need these tests every three weeks, but more like every three months and tomorrow, I go in for Herceptin. I've made the decision not to take the pills the cardiologist gave me to protect my heart. When she gave them to me she said, "I wouldn't normally prescribe these, but your oncologist is being cautious and you're being cautious, so I'll be cautious too. There has only been one study that showed that this (blood pressure) pill protected the heart while on Herceptin..." I don't know, that doesn't sound promising to me. I figure if she said my heart is "normal, just weak", then I'd rather exercise than take pills.

Other than that, I still haven't taken the Tamoxifen. I am NOT Vince Carter, I just don't want to turn into a cranky you know what! I like where my head space is at, I don't want this to mess with it. I'm procrastinating, but I know I'll eventually take it.

I also haven't been sleeping well lately and I haven't taken many afternoon naps as of late. I'm tired, beat and pooped physically, but for some reason, I just can't sleep. My body is aching all over, so I haven't tried going back to the gym.

I wonder what my ejection fraction will be tomorrow. If it drops, I just might pop those pills after all! HAHA!

Tamoxifen??

Okay, I've been bad. I haven't started Tamoxifen (hormonal therapy) yet and I was supposed to last week. I don't know, I'm just tired of dealing with all these side effects. Tell me to take it, tell me it's for the best, tell me the side effects won't be so bad....I need some convincing!

AAAAAHHHH! :S

Let Yourself Be Carried

The Flow of the Universe (that I strongly believe in)

The flow of the universe moves through everything. It's in the rocks that form, get pounded into dust, and are blown away. It is the blossoming of a flower born from a seed planted in the spring. The growth cycle that every human being goes through is part of this natural flow. The current that takes us down life's paths is this flow. When we move with it, rather than resisting, we are riding on the universal current that allows us to flow with life.

Many people live their lives struggling against this current. They try to use force or resistance to will their lives into happening the way they think it should. Others move with this flow like a sailor using the wind, trusting that the universe is taking them exactly where they need to be at all times. This flow is accessible to everyone because it moves through and around us. We are always riding this flow. It's just a matter of whether we are willing to go with it or resist it. Choosing to go with the flow is often a matter of letting go of the notion that we need to be in control at all times. The flow is always taking you where you need to go. It's just a matter of deciding whether you plan on taking the ride or having it take you there with you dragging your feet.

Learning to step into the flow can help you feel a connection to a force that is greater than you and is always there to support you. The decision to go with the flow can take courage because you are surrendering the notion that you need to do everything by yourself. Riding the flow of the universe can be effortless, exhilarating, and not like anything you ever expected.
When you are open to being in this flow, you open yourself to possibilities that exist beyond the grasp of your control. As a child, you were naturally swept by the flow. Tears of sadness falling down your face could just as quickly turn to tears of laughter. Just the tiniest wave carrying you forward off the shores of the ocean could carry you into peals of delight.
Our souls feel good when we go with the flow of the universe. All we have to do is make the choice to ride its currents.

A Normal Heart

I had great news from the cardiologist the other day. She told me that I have a normal heart. It's weak, but NORMAL! The ventricular wall thickness, aortic function, valves, vessels and all that jazz are all normal. My right ventricle is pumping at 44% and my left at 52%, which is low, but reversible. I was given the okay to exercise to help strengthen it, so the next day I joined the local rec. centre's gym facilities which is a block away from home. She said I didn't even need a heart monitor, crazy, huh! The gym doesn't have the best facilities, but it's sufficient for what I need right now, which is just cardio. I'm limited to the exercise I can do right now because my skin is still burnt and I can't swing my left arm, but I feel great that I'm able to exercise. After all the weight gain from the steroids, I can finally do something about it! My energy levels are low, but I hope with daily exercise I can eventually kick the fatigue to the curb. Today is the second day I've been to the gym and I feel like passing out right now, but it's all good! ;)

Cardiologist

Tomorrow morning I'm back at St. Mike's for my first meeting with the cardiologist there. I'm a little nervous. I hope to hear some good news tomorrow, like a drug to protect my heart while I go through Herceptin, but I'm not flying my plane too high on that. I figure this drug would have been brought up, if it existed, during my second dose of Herceptin, but it wasn't.

Other than that, I'm fighting fatigue and slowly recovering. I tend to feel energetic one minute and then I crash the next. The skin that was affected by radiation is burnt, but healing. I get these random sharp pains in my breast throughout the day, but thankfully it only lasts a few seconds. The skin under my arm broke and that's also healing. My nails are growing back pink, but some of the tips are no longer "glued" to my finger. I know, it's gross, but it sounds worse than what it really is. My hair is growing back and growing back all over. I have bottom eyelashes again and my eyebrows are filling in slowly. Believe it or not, I feel VERY hairy! After being bald for so long, all this hair is quite disturbing. :) I've also been trying to exercise my brain to prepare myself for the "real world" again. I was supposed to test my reaction to the hormonal treatments last week, but didn't. I'm just so tired of dealing with these side effects. I'm going to start tomorrow after my appointment. :S

Mentally, I have good days and bad. Good when I'm alone or with family and bad when I'm exposed to the outside world. When it's bad I feel as if I'm floating or drifting along. There's me and then there's the rest of the world. A world caught up with money, looks, success, materialistic possessions, "the hussle" and what not and me who's just, I don't know...me. I seriously need to figure out my new place in the world and I trust that I'll get there, but it's just like, "WHEN!" I pray that it will be sooner than later.

I'm going to bed now, good night!

Magic

The timing couldn't be more perfect to rediscover this old track by Olivia Newton-John. The lyrics are so fitting. Music is the best therapist, EVER! Thanks Reen! ;)

Click to listen

Come take my hand
You should know me
I've always been in your mind
You know I will be kind
I'll be guiding you

Building your dream
Has to start now
There's no other road to take
You won't make a mistake
I'll be guiding you

You have to believe we are magic
Nothin' can stand in our way
You have to believe we are magic
Don't let your aim ever stray
And if all your hopes survive
Destiny will arrive
I'll bring all your dreams alive
For you

From where I stand
You are home free
The planets aligned are so rare
There's promise in the air
And I'm guiding you

Through every turn I'll be near you
I'll come anytime you call
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll be guiding you

You have to believe we are magic
Nothin' can stand in our way
You have to believe we are magic
Don't let your aim ever stray
And if all your hopes survive
Destiny will arrive
I'll bring all your dreams alive
For you

Officially Discharged

At 9am this morning I went back to Princess Margaret to see my Radiation Oncologist. After examining my skin I had a little chat with him before being officially discharged. He made me aware of some potential side effects that I may experience and what future steps I should take. One of them was exercise. After discussing the complications I'm currently having with my heart, he suggested that I get a heart rate monitor and ask the cardiologist that I'm scheduled to see this Thursday what would be a safe heart rate to take my heart to before I risk heart failure. He assumes some brisk walking would be okay, but running isn't advised.

And that's it. One chapter of this journey ends, just like that...still very sudden, still very much surreal, still bittersweet.

8:33am

"8:33am....8...33....am." That's the time the machine turned off and I was told by the Radiation Therapist while still lying on the bed, "You're ALL DONE!". How do I feel? I don't know yet...it's surreal. I've spent the last six months and two days in treatment and just like that, at 8:33am I get my life back and it's supposed to be a normal one. It's strange, it's bittersweet, it's kind of scary...it feels, sudden.

Although I'm done at Princess Margaret, I'm not completely finished yet, hence the reason why I call it a "checkpoint" and not the "finish line". I still have one year of Herceptin every three weeks providing my heart can take it. I have hormonal treatments for five years and I'm still very much a patient at St. Mike's, it's just my every day visits to Princess Margaret are over. I meet with the oncologist at PMH this Monday to check my skin and then it's a visit every six months. Speaking of skin, it's currently burnt and some of the skin around my incision where they checked my lymph nodes have broken. I know, disgusting!

I'm going to try to take this all in now. I know I should feel happier, but I just don't. I just keep saying to myself, "8:33am. 8...33...am..."

An Unexpected Blessing

I got suckered into joining Facebook earlier this week. I've resisted for just over a month now, but my brother joined and informed me of how many old friends, mostly high school ones, are on there. I caved. Just when I thought there wasn't any one from my past that I wanted to reunite with, I find myself addicted to this site because of all of the old friends I'm reconnecting with. At one point or another I've been very close with each of them, and being on this journey fighting to just "survive" now, well, I can't help but look back and remember how that phase in my life was one of the best times I've ever lived. I was young, care-free, spontaneous, slightly irresponsible, healthy and life was F-U-N! I am who I am today because of that and because of them.

I'm completely overwhelmed by the love I'm receiving from those who are just finding out about my condition. God couldn't plan it any better for me. They probably don't know it, but I'm two days away from what you may call the finish line, but I prefer "checkpoint". To be constantly worrying about my heart and all the "what if's" it entails, this is an Unexpected Blessing. They've given me added strength to keep fighting on and to keep on hoping.

It brought a tear to my eye when a friend wrote to me and said, "For as long as I've known you, you've never accepted pity from anyone..." I don't know why those words touched me that way, but I just shivered inside. That was a big part of my identity when I was in school and I forgot. I forgot that about me and she reminded me. Looking back now, I've been wrapped up in this fight for a year now because I found the lump in March, and just hearing how an old friend remembers me...well, let's just say it gave me a shiver...in a good way. :)

I've been in this ring punching away at the enemy and if, just "IF", I lose this battle, those words, in some odd way, makes me feel somewhat content with the imprint I'll leave behind. I can't speak for anyone else in my shoes, but for me, that's a big part of having death as your shadow. I'm scared to leave because there's obviously so much I still want and need to do (like make me a mini me.) There are wrongs I need to make right, but more importantly I wonder what imprint I will leave behind. Will it be good or bad? I'm not perfect, but I'm content and that's a big relief for me. It puts me at peace with myself.

I didn't realize that this month marks one year since finding the lump until I started writing this. What a crazy year it's been. For those close to me then, the not knowing, the waiting, the tests and retests were utter torture for me and one year later, tomorrow, I finish the major treatments (chemo & radiation). Talk about full circle, huh?! It's been a wild ride...there are friends that have endured with me every step of the way, friends that have sadly disappeared and now I have reunited with old friends to join me at the finish line, but you know me, I prefer "checkpoint". ;)

Life is great!

There's no better way for me to end this post than with my favorite quote, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Have a fabulous day everyone! ;)

P.S. I still have to develop the roll of FILM (be nice Ted) where Jun shaved my head into a mohawk! I'll try to get that done today and post it. I was very sick the day he shaved my head, so don't expect anything cute and cuddly, like how I normally am! :P

My hair...growing FAST!

Pictures taken by my lil' Zuni, Jade Uy:

I'm FURRY!!! haha!

Bruised, but not Broken

The news I got the other day was tough to swallow, but it's not the end of me. I still have alot of fight in me and I'll just keep on fighting. I'm bruised, but not broken. After a day of some precious me-time to re-centre and adjust, I'm good. To me, I have no choice but to keep on fighting and to stay positive. I refuse to bow down and surrender to this. I AM NOT GOING TO SIT IN BED AND GIVE UP OR GIVE IN...that's a promise! ;)

Thank you for your prayers, angels, concern and thoughts. You're always catching my fall and I'm grateful! I'm on my two feet again.

Zuni

The Circle Continues

My ejection fraction is 52%, an 8% drop from my last test. After consultation from a cardiologist there I still had Herceptin today. My oncologist might have to stop treatment.

Enough said.

Herceptin #2

Today I'm doing double duty at the hospital. I will be at St. Mike's at 10am to get my first heart results since my first dose of Herceptin. If all is well then we'll continue with my second dose today. At 4pm, I'm back at PMH for rads.

The last few days I've been feeling very tired, yesterday especially. I spent nearly the entire day in bed with the exception of peeling myself off it for radiation in the afternoon. The fatigue is progresively getting worse, but I'm trying to manage it the best I can.

I'll be taking new pictures of myself in the next day or two since I HAVE HAIR NOW!!! It may not look like alot, but to me it is! The bald shine is gone and I'm slowly beginning to get the hairline I've been wishing for. Charlie V. is growing hair y'all!!! :P

Yesterday at Princess Margaret I was given my schedule for next week. She walked into the room and said happily, "Next Friday will be your last day with us!!" and a surge of mixed emotions hit. I'm obviously happy for obvious reasons, but a little sad too. These ladies have taken good care of me every day for the last five weeks, going on six. I've bonded with a few of them and will miss them when I'm done. My life has been wrapped around a hospital these last nine months and to think that after next week it will all change is a reality that's hard to believe. There is no gift or gesture good enough to show my gratitude to them. Actually, looking back, there is no gift or gesture good enough to show my gratitude to all of you who have never left me during this and supported me all the way.

I'm almost done and I can't believe it. It's been quite the ride, but ultimately a good one. Sure I've had my rough days..lost my long hair, threw up, bones achin', but I've said it before and I'll say it again, this has been a Blessing in Disguise for me. I am so thankful to have who I have in my life, to have daily readers who religiously check my blog everyday, but choose not to leave comments and the ones that do...you know who you are...I might not know who HULKSTER is, but I think I know everyone else. haha! And I'm thankful for having parents that made sure I had food to eat and friends that support me.

I have a gut feeling that my heart results will be okay. I've been drinking Olive Oil and I know there's a greater power watching over me and protecting my heart while I go through this.

I'll post pictures and let you know how today went sooner than later.

Week #5

This week is my second last week before I'm done...I can't believe it!
I have rads at 9:45am this morning, followed by my weekly appointment
to see the oncologist, then I'm off to Mt. Sinai at 1pm for genetic
testing. Tomorrow, I'm back at St. Mike's for my first heart test since
I've been onHerceptin. I've been drinking two tablespoons of olive oil daily, so I hope it's paying off. My next treatment of Herceptin is this Thursday and I'll find out the heart results then.

Other than that, I've been doing very well. My hair is growing and I've subconsciously linked that to my recovery so as I watch my hair grow the better I feel! My legs are almost back to normal now...a little weaker than before, but much better than what it was. I continue to have hot and cold flashes and the fatigue is still present, but I've learned how to manage it well. My oncologist says it will progressively get worse before it gets better, so I'm prepared and ready for that...and so are my pillows!haha ! There was one morning where I woke up and felt as if my boob was going to fall off my body, but that only lasted a couple hours and then went away. The skin around my breast is pink, slightly tender, sometimes itchy, and sometimes uncomfortable when I lie on my side, but manageable. I'm still applying aloe vera gel daily.

Spiritually and mentally, I'm a little anxious, but anxious in
a good way. I have two more weeks of rads, so I'm excited to be done
with all of this. Radiation has been a BREEZE compared to chemo! (I
hope I didn't jinx myself!) I'm a little anxious to see how easy (or
difficult) it will be for me to get my life back to normal or a "new
normal". During chemo, my brain was complete mush. I've been slowly
forcing my brain to concentrate more, remember more and to eventually
read....something I couldn't do before. It's been paying off because
I've been wanting to read this short book called, "For One More Day" by
Mitch Albom , the author of one of my favorite books titled, "Tuesdays
with Morrie" since chemo started and it's only now that I'm able to. I
can't read for very long, but it's an improvement from where I was.

I know some of you noticed that HULKSTER came back. It caught me by surprise too! I still have no idea who this could be, but this person obviously knows that I'm a George Michael fan.hmm...

The Raptors lost all weekend. I was okay with us losing to the Bucks since that's where I, Charlie V. plays, but the game against the Cavs was painful!

This week is a busy one for me. I not only have rads every day, but I have four additional appointments on top of that. If you don't hear from me, you know why!

Keep smiling!