Goodbye 2006, Hello 2007

2007. Hmm, well January 4th marks my final chemo cycle. Mentally, it's been quite tough the last few days with just things on my mind and some anxieties about recovering and my physical appearance. I hope to start doing some cardio next week to get back in shape because my legs have been aching for weeks now. The water retention, hair loss (eye brows and lashes) and the fact that I'm breaking out pains me to look at myself in the mirror. I joke to my neice that I have the big dipper on my face!

As for the anxieties, well my body's changing and adjusting to the steroids and the new chemo. My body's also dwindling because I'm five cycles in. My periods have finally stopped (I was expecting it to stop last month) and that must have some kind of toll on me as well...temporary menopausal side effects, perhaps? Who knows. Regardless, I'll be okay. I'm tired of reading up on the net about this stuff because after a while it all sounds the same. It's just another uphill climb and I'm used to that. I still have a lot of fight in me, so I'm not worried. It's just a phase and I know I'll get over it, always do! :)

You know, there was a time in August when this blog was not yet created and I had to deal with alot of issues and make alot of decisions. It was a stressful month because I had to face the fact that I had cancer for one. I had to quit smoking, leave work and simply deal with this...fight this head on. I had to make decisions regarding my life and future that I wasn't prepared to like my future unborn children. Yes, unborn children! It was something from left field that I didn't know I had to face. Chemo puts me at risk of early and permanent menopause. I was offered in vitro, which I declined and said to myself, "If it was meant to be, it was meant to be" and left it at that. I couldn't think of kids when I had cancer to deal with. There was some one who told me to take one step at a time and one day at a time, and it was great advice. I've been doing it since. I've been saying, "I'll cross that bridge when it comes" and now with not menstruating I'm crossing that bridge. I'm crossing a bridge that may not be there for me to walk back to. I'm now at risk of permanent menopause and only time will tell if I was destined to have children. I know I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it, you know? I've seen some of my friends kids during Christmas and they are sooo cute. It just makes me wonder if I'll ever have any. Ok, I'll stop now. I'm beginning to get too emotional over this.

I am also beginning to worry about the upcoming radiation and how it will affect my heart, lungs and skin. Can you tell I need some good ol' me time to re-centre myself? lol! So there's a peek into my little head of mine. I know some of you have been waiting for an update and I haven't written because sometimes I feel as though my thoughts weigh too much on the pain and negative side of things, but then a week passes and I say to myself, "well I gotta write something", so I just tell it like it is...good ol' Jenny style...straight up! ;)

I'd like to sincerely and I mean sincerely wish all of you a Happy New Year. Thank you sooooo much for being my crutch during this crazy period in my life. I wish for each of you good health, happiness and love.

I love all of you!

MUAH!
Jen

Christmas

I'm glad to report that I had an amazing Christmas! I spent it with my mom for the first time since I was a child and my stepmother's side of the family which is the first time in probably over 10 years.

Christmas Eve was spent traditionally, with my father, sister, stepmother, brother and neice and boy did we eat some good food and drink some delicious wine!

I WAS SPOILED, LOVED AND HAPPY!!

There are blessings everywhere if we just open our eyes, listen more carefully and open our hearts!

Merry Christmas!

I've lived the same day for five days straight. Lying in bed, aching in pain, wanting to eat something I can taste, waiting, riding this torture out. All I kept telling myself during those days was, "Just one more of this and you're done Jen, just one more!" Today I'm somewhat better. I'm very weak, but the worst of the pains seem to not have come around today. My fingers are sore (again), so typing is challenging. I've actually noticed something scary with Taxotere that I didn't get with FEC100 and that's my lungs and heart get very weak. I've never actually "felt" my lungs or heart before...I just know it's there, you know? But for very brief instances I can actually "feel" it, weakened and then it goes away. I can't help but wonder if that's what dying feels like. It must be. My tongue is that nasty white again, it's awful! I took pictures, but then thought, "Do I really want to post a picture of this? It's pretty NASTY!!!" haha!

Yesterday marked my five month anniversary since being diagnosed. As I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, I reflected. Was it a fast five months? Do I truly feel that I'm almost done treatments? And to be honest, I really don't know. This is all very dream-like. All this, this blog, the treatments, the pain, the epiphanies, the love and support, the hair loss, all of it seems surreal. Still. There's still a part of me that doesn't believe this is all happening. That "I" have cancer. Strange.

I look forward to 2007...to having my life back, whatever that entails. It'll be interesting for me to see myself patch my life back together. As for 2006, as crazy it is, I wouldn't change a thing. Lance Armstrong said in his book that chemo is worse than cancer itself and he is so right! Cancer (not chemo) has been a blessing in my life. It has brought my family closer than ever. There are NO words to describe the peace I feel in my heart knowing that my mom and I are getting along as friends. My wish has come true! Cancer has solidified my relationships with people. You know who you are. There's that saying that you know who your friends are when the going gets tough. Well, it got tough and I know who was there, so "thank you". And the lesson I will carry with me forever is "Appreciate"...yeah, that crazy post I wrote a while ago. Cancer has made me more sincere and more thankful for the "Now". Cancer has made my Life's Wishlist short and that's just "Create moments"...whether that's in Nepal, Africa or right here in Toronto, I just need to create moments. It's all we got and it's all that matters. There's a quote by George Carlin that I love it goes:

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

So with that being said, I'd like to wish everyone a wonderful....yes WONDERFUL Holidays! Be thankful, be happy, be in the NOW and smile! I am! :)

I'll try to write again before the year's end.

BE AWARE: Hormone Therapy Linked to Breast Cancer

I was watching the Today Show this morning and found this very interesting. Share this with the women in your lives...it could save them!


Breast Cancer Rates Fall
<><>A 7% decrease is seen in the U.S. in 2003 after millions cease hormone therapy linked to risks.

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By Denise Gellene, Times Staff Writer
December 15, 2006

U.S. breast cancer rates dropped 7% in 2003 after millions of women stopped taking hormone drugs for symptoms of menopause because the drugs had been linked to an increased risk of developing the disease, researchers said Thursday.

The sharp decrease was driven by a slide in the type of breast cancer that needs the hormone estrogen to grow, which accounts for 70% of all cases of the disease.

The decline was the largest since 1990, researchers said at the San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium.

The study, funded by the National Cancer Institute and the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, concluded that 14,000 fewer women were diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003 than in 2002. More than 200,000 cases of breast cancer are diagnosed each year.

"Our whole group looked at the numbers and said, 'Is this real?' " said co-author Dr. Rowan Chlebowski of the Los Angeles Biomedical Research Institute at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center.

"After years of trying to defeat breast cancer by reducing it once it has occurred, it was a revelation to think that maybe there's an opportunity to decrease the risk of getting cancer to begin with," he said.

Though researchers hailed the news, some cautioned that it was still too early to tell whether the downward trend would continue.

Dr. Julia Smith of the New York University Cancer Institute, who was not involved in the research, said undetectable tumors could still be present only to surface in the future.

"We may have slowed their growth trajectory so that if we don't see them this year, we may see them next year or in subsequent years," she said. "We have to reserve judgment."

Though the study doesn't prove a causal link between the drop in hormone usage and the slide in breast cancer rates, it is the only plausible explanation, Chlebowski said.

There was a 1% drop in mammograms in 2003, which might mean fewer diagnoses but would not account for the large decline in cancer rates, he said.

"To have this kind of drop in cancer rates you need something very big to explain it," he said.

The results are in line with a recent study that found the incidence of breast cancer among patients in Kaiser Permanente's Northern California region fell 10% from 2001 to 2003 while use of hormone replacement therapy dropped 68%.

That report, published last month in the Journal of Clinical Oncology, also found that breast cancer rates throughout California fell 11% during the same period and continued to decline in 2004.

Taken together, the studies provide "strong supporting evidence" of the link between hormone therapy and breast cancer, said Lisa J. Herrinton, a Kaiser Permanente epidemiologist and co-author of the earlier study.

Prescriptions for the hormones estrogen and progestin fell by almost half after government researchers concluded in mid-2002 that hormone replacement therapy increased the risk of breast cancer in post-menopausal women.

Nearly 40% of post-menopausal women used the hormones to ease menopausal symptoms, such as hot flashes, and to prevent conditions related to aging, including osteoporosis.



Years of hormones

Many of the women had taken the hormones for years. Their use had been popularized in the 1960s by New York gynecologist Robert A. Wilson, who wrote a book, "Feminine Forever," that touted the benefits of hormone therapy to combat the "tragedy of menopause."

Estrogen could keep women energetic, young-looking and straight-backed into old age, he said.

Scientists came to believe estrogen could also protect women from heart attacks and stroke.

But concerns about the therapy grew, and in 1993, the government launched the Women's Health Initiative study.

The study included nearly 17,000 women and was abruptly halted three years before its scheduled end when scientists discovered a slight but significant increase in breast cancer, heart attacks, blood clots and strokes.

The latest study found that breast cancers fueled by estrogen fell 8% in 2003, twice the rate of breast cancers that do not rely on the hormone. In women ages 50 to 69, new cases of estrogen-related breast cancer fell 12%.

Dr. Peter Ravdin of M.D. Anderson, a study co-author, said it was not clear whether discontinuation of hormone therapy completely stopped very small cancers from growing or merely slowed them down so they remained undetectable.

Ravdin said that the figures for 2004 would be available in several more months and that researchers would be able to see whether the trend held up.

---

denise.gellene@latimes.com

http://www.latimes.com/news/science/la-sci-breast15dec15,0,2896287.story?coll=la-home-headlines

Thanks!

I just want to say thanks to those people who left me comments. You have NO idea what your words, thoughts, love and humour do to carry me through this.

Tomorrow is cycle #5 of 6. I'm almost there guys, almost! Celia, my "Chiquita Banana", will be my chemo buddy for the day. She's the co-worker, turned sister to me!

Today, I'm just going prepare for the week ahead. I have to pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy. I have to go back on the steroids starting today. Can I just say again how much I hate these steroids?? ? I'm going to do my laundry because I know I won't be able to next week and just relax...set my mind to the right place for tomorrow.

I'm still smiling....don't you worry about that. I'm just kicking my feet like a child not wanting tomorrow to come. LOL! ;)

Close ups

The one question I get often is whether my nails will fall off. It's possible but rare, so I doubt it. As for nail polish, I must have over five bottles now and I just can't maintain them long enough. I'm also not that comfortable wearing it. I've always been "au naturale"...never hiding from my flaws and not trying to enhance my fine points. What you see is what you get!




I don't know if this photo is the best to show you my bottom eyelashes, but if you look real close the reason why you can't see any is simply because there are none! You can see too that my eyebrows are thinning. There's still alot left, but it won't last for long.

Watching Myself Dwindle

I don't have much to say really. I've been spending alot of time with my mom and we've been getting along better than ever. It's great, I'm happy and I hope it lasts! What I have with her now is the relationship I've always wanted, so my heart is all warm and fuzzy about that! :)

Physically, I've been shedding in all the other places where hair has remained, which is my eyebrows and eyelashes. I've also been feeling alot more tired. My legs (calves especially) are really tight and I can no longer walk very far without feeling as though my calves are going to give in. The bottom of my eyelashes are almost fully gone. I'm hanging onto about 4-5 lashes on my left eye and my right eye has a bit more, but it's just going at a slower rate. Fortunately, my top lashes are not that bad. My nails are darker and are almost fully covered now. My eyebrows are also thinning too. I don't think they can hang on for the month or two when I complete my chemotherapy. :( I'm thinner in some places, like my wrists and bloated in other places like my belly. It hurts looking at myself in the mirror sometimes and sometimes it's too much that I breakdown, but it's all part of the game....and I have to play, there's no choice in the matter.

I've been somewhat of a champ throughout my treatments thus far because I've been hanging onto the fact that I don't look that sickly. With a hat on you'd doubt I was even going through treatments. I guess now I just have to accept this disease fully. Any ounce of denial I had carried with me I have to let go of. I will be completely hairless very soon and will look like a cancer patient...something I was trying to avoid. It's alright though, it is what it is and I am what I am. It's just hair, right? Although I'm very bothered by this new loss, I just can't spend time stressing over it. There's no point...I can't control it and if it will prevent this from coming back, then I will gladly hand over the hairs I have left. I've never been a fan of make-up and I don't plan on starting...especially by painting new eyebrows! LOL!

I'll take close up pictures of me and post them soon so you can see. My next cycle is Friday December 15th. I'm dreading it, as usual!

YAAAY PHOTOS!!

I have the pictures from my friend, Caroline's camera from my last chemo cycle (#4). ENJOY!

My nurse, Marlene, setting up to access my port. For those of you that haven't seen my head, well here it is...VILLENUEVA BABY! I still have my eyebrows, but they are beginning to thin slowly. Hopefully it can hang on just one more month when I'm done chemo and start radiation:



This is Taxotere. It's one bottle covered in a brown bag as it is sensitive to light. Not much compared to FEC100 which was three sringes and two bottles, but it's just as strong:



A closer look.
And oh yeah, in case you're wondering where "Pearl" went, it's not on my health card..."Ponciano" is, that's my mama's maiden name. See how many things you learn about me on my blog?!:



From left to right: Marlene, Caroline and Heidi (Care was teaching Heidi how to knit. Can you see her holding the needle?):



I think she's got it!! (Knitting is HUGE at the hospital. I better learn, so I can fit in! LOL!)



A donated wig I put on for fun. No wonder nobody has taken it...it's quite unflattering as you can see:



We went to my new favorite lunch spot after, SUSHI TRAIN! "CHOO-CHOO":

Quote of the day

"You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own. It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle."

Paulo Coelho
Author of one of my favorite books, "The Alchemist"

Happy Friday!

Hi everyone,

I can hear your bubble thoughts loud and clear: "Finally, Jenny updated her blog!" I'm sorry for not keeping this up-to-date as I normally do. I've been out and about spending time with my mother who just recently bought a house. I'm trying to spend some quality time with her and am helping her make some decisions regarding the renovations that are under way. I also just found out that my mom has to have both of her eyes operated on soon, which is unfortunate.

The only thing I've learned being on Taxotere is that I don't like it AT ALL. I'm actually dreading my next cycle on December 12th because the pains seem to take forever to go away. The second thing I've learned or rather that this has confirmed is that when I'm not feeling pain, I should not waste a day doing nothing. I try to make the best of the day because I know just around the corner is another cycle that will debilitate me. I have an even more intense appreciation for just feeling normal. It's a great thing!!! ;) I've also spent alot of time recently exercising my brain and the chemo brain isn't that severe any more. YIPPEE! I hope I didn't just jinx myself!

Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. I'm going back to spend some time with my mom now.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

MUAH!
Jen

P.S. I know I still have to post pictures of the day I shaved my head and my last chemo cycle. I haven't forgotten, I just have to finish the film from the day I shaved my head and also get the pictures from my friend's camera. It will come, I promise!

Here's one to hold you down for now. This is an older picture since you can see that I have hair in this one, but it's one to put a big ol' smile on your face: