Merry Christmas!

I've lived the same day for five days straight. Lying in bed, aching in pain, wanting to eat something I can taste, waiting, riding this torture out. All I kept telling myself during those days was, "Just one more of this and you're done Jen, just one more!" Today I'm somewhat better. I'm very weak, but the worst of the pains seem to not have come around today. My fingers are sore (again), so typing is challenging. I've actually noticed something scary with Taxotere that I didn't get with FEC100 and that's my lungs and heart get very weak. I've never actually "felt" my lungs or heart before...I just know it's there, you know? But for very brief instances I can actually "feel" it, weakened and then it goes away. I can't help but wonder if that's what dying feels like. It must be. My tongue is that nasty white again, it's awful! I took pictures, but then thought, "Do I really want to post a picture of this? It's pretty NASTY!!!" haha!

Yesterday marked my five month anniversary since being diagnosed. As I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, I reflected. Was it a fast five months? Do I truly feel that I'm almost done treatments? And to be honest, I really don't know. This is all very dream-like. All this, this blog, the treatments, the pain, the epiphanies, the love and support, the hair loss, all of it seems surreal. Still. There's still a part of me that doesn't believe this is all happening. That "I" have cancer. Strange.

I look forward to 2007...to having my life back, whatever that entails. It'll be interesting for me to see myself patch my life back together. As for 2006, as crazy it is, I wouldn't change a thing. Lance Armstrong said in his book that chemo is worse than cancer itself and he is so right! Cancer (not chemo) has been a blessing in my life. It has brought my family closer than ever. There are NO words to describe the peace I feel in my heart knowing that my mom and I are getting along as friends. My wish has come true! Cancer has solidified my relationships with people. You know who you are. There's that saying that you know who your friends are when the going gets tough. Well, it got tough and I know who was there, so "thank you". And the lesson I will carry with me forever is "Appreciate"...yeah, that crazy post I wrote a while ago. Cancer has made me more sincere and more thankful for the "Now". Cancer has made my Life's Wishlist short and that's just "Create moments"...whether that's in Nepal, Africa or right here in Toronto, I just need to create moments. It's all we got and it's all that matters. There's a quote by George Carlin that I love it goes:

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

So with that being said, I'd like to wish everyone a wonderful....yes WONDERFUL Holidays! Be thankful, be happy, be in the NOW and smile! I am! :)

I'll try to write again before the year's end.