Beaten up, but alive

It's Tuesday and I'm feeling better, but not a 100%. I took a beating this weekend. Where do I begin? Well, let's start off where I left you which was right before going to the hospital for my shot of Neulasta.

I finally got myself dressed and made my way over to the hospital. I was supposed to have "home care", which would have a nurse come by my place to inject the shot, but something happened and the forms were not filled out in time. I took my weak self over to the hospital and the nurses were surprised to see me so nauseous. I told them how much I was vomiting the night before and they paged my oncologist immediately and sat me in a chair. My oncologist came by and was concerned that I lost too many fluids so ordered the nurses to set up an IV and to also give me some meds through there. Just to let you know how out of it I was, I let the nurse set up the IV in my hand knowing well enough that I had a port and should have used it. Everything was just difficult...talking, walking, standing, thinking, you name it. A poke in the hand is a poke. I didn't have the strength to tell her otherwise. I left the hospital four hours later. My oncologist wanted to admit me, but I just wanted home.

The nausea didn't get any better. I spent all of Saturday, Sunday and some of Monday in bed waking up for only a few minutes at a time. I was curled up hoping that I'd wake up feeling better, but that never came. This was bad! I actually had thoughts of dying. I was wondering if this is what it felt like and was pretty sure that it would be something like it. Thinking that I had three more cycles of this was just tiring. I wanted to throw in the towel.

The weekend is a blur...it was a very long episode of nausea. My brother on the other hand was a super nurse and took very good care of me. So, thank you Jun...I love you! :-)

I haven't been able to eat much yet. My insides feel very weak and worn out. The nasty chemical taste in my mouth is ever-present resulting in whatever I put in my mouth to taste...well, not so good. I'm gagging more than the two previous cycles, but nothing is coming out. Then again, there's not much in my stomach. I do feel better though, just not a 100%. Hopefully the taste in my mouth goes away, so I can eat a real meal soon.

To everyone who sent their thoughts, love, or light (Shelly), "Thank you!" I wish you all would know how much the little gesture helps me and what it does to my spirit. If I could give it back in some way I would, just so you can have a taste of what its like. It's a piece of Heaven! I love you guys and am so thankful that I have you in my life.

Jen

Bummed!

So I threw up all night last night. It was awful. At one point there was nothing left in my stomach so the little bit of water that I was drinking was coming out with a ton of gagging and twisting of my insides. Nothing stayed in my stomach longer than 10 minutes. I was getting worried about the water not staying down because I know how important it is to get rid of the chemo in my bladder. This is definitely 'thee' worst bout of nausea I've had. I found myself moaning and moaning in pain just simply lying down and the thought of the movie, "Dying Young" came back to mind. I even contemplated sleeping in the bathroom last night because I was getting up so often. I ended up taking a Gravol and that put me to bed for the rest of the night.

I'm also VERY bummed out because yesterday I talked to my oncologist who lied to me for whatever reason about my chemo. It turns out that Taxotere isn't any less aggressive. I was prescribed steroids since I started chemo and I have not taken it due to the horror stories I hear about the side effects...blowing up being one of them. She told me that I HAVE TO take to steroids now that I'm going to be on Taxotere. I don't have a choice. If I don't take it I might have an allergic reaction. I also heard that during the administration of it that ice packs will be applied to my wrists to help ease the pain in my hands. I thought, "What??". And that's when she told me, "Jenny, this is a very aggressive drug." and I said, "But you told me that the last three are not as aggressive?" and she said, "No, it's aggressive, but don't worry you're almost done and we'll celebrate soon." I can't even think about celebrating, I feel lied to and bummed out. I thought I had the worst part over with. She said it's less nausea, but more aches and pains. So basically same sh!t, different pile. I feel as though the finish line is sooo far away now. All that joy about being half way has been flushed down the toilet.

My mouth has that nasty taste again and I'm weak. Last night I was cold and shivering like Campbell Scott in that damn movie. What a crappy day (and night). I can't wait til' I feel better again so I can see the 'light' again. Right now, this all just sucks. Yesterday was such a lonnng night. And to top it off, I have to somehow make it back to the hospital today to get my shot of Neulasta, but I'm too weak. I have to find the strength somehow...

Bummed.

Half way done!

Hi everyone,

I'm so sorry for keeping you in limbo as to how I've been. I've been busy, but well. I had a great weekend spent with my father, stepmother and sister. It was time well spent and I have new moments to carry with me. :-D I'll tell you more about it later.

I'm leaving for the hospital in about a half hour for my last cycle of FEC 100 (the aggressive chemo). HIP, HIP, HOORAY!! I'm just that much closer to having my life back...I can't wait! After that I start Taxotere, which I'm hoping will be a breeze. My father should be picking me up shortly and I still have to shove something in my stomach before the nausea kicks in.

I will update my blog when I have the strength to...have a great weekend!

Jen

P.S. Oh yeah, October 24th was my 3rd month since quitting smoking and October 25th marks 3 months since surgery.

At Peace

I've been doing well. Physically I'm fine and am doing much better than the first cycle with the dry mouth and appetite. The shot of Neulasta has really helped. I'm getting used to the shaved head and actually don't feel any ways about showing it to people. Thank God my head is round! Some friends say I should keep it. I don't know about THAT, but I am beginning to like it. Getting ready is a breeze and I'm saving so much on shampoo and conditioner! haha! I have yet to develop the film in my camera to show you the day I shaved it, but I promise to post them once I get it.

October 26th is my third and final round of FEC 100 (the aggressive chemo). After that I have three more cycles of regular chemo and then radiation. My father has volunteered to come with me to my next round. I'm actually very happy that he's accompanying me because I didn't know if he would have. Don't get me wrong, my father wants to be there, but hospitals just creep him out. Plus, I can only imagine how hard it must be for a parent to have to watch their child go through this. I can't wait to spend the day with my dad. There's a special bonding moment (did I say "moment"...Ah man, I love it!) that happens at my chemo cycles. I can't put into words, but it's as if there's some unspoken truth/love/appreciation that is conveyed between the other person and I. If I elaborate it will just limit the beauty of it, so I'll just leave it at that.

Other than that, I'm still floating on my cloud. Life is good in its funny little way. I re-read my "deep" post (Lesson: Appreciate) that many of you referred to it as and things haven't changed much, if anything it's intensifying. I'm actively creating the new moments I hungered for, I'm looking at life a little further back these days and am appreciating the bigger picture. It's a really nice view! :D It puts so many things into perspective for me. Sometimes we look too closely at things in life that we lose the bigger picture. We forget that there's a purpose. I'm so glad I'm in this head space. I know that I could be curled up at home depressed and filled with fear, but I'm not and I'm thankful.

Do me a favour since all of you are with me on my journey: Live - for - "A" - MOMENT. It's all we got!

Jesse

Here are a couple of pictures of my cousin Jesse with his friends at the CIBC Run for a Cure. This actually caught me by surprise because I didn't know that he had walked for me until after the walk. I'm tellin' ya, the love is everywhere and I'm lovin' it!

Jesse and friends: "THANK YOU!" :D

 
  

Lesson: Appreciate

I've been reflecting.
That's where I've been.
After having my computer crash on me it was...no, it happened for a reason.
I got disconnected.
So I took time to reflect on Life.
Not on the unfortunateness of cancer
What I saw and am seeing are the tiny gifts we get each day, but are too busy to notice.
Too occupied with the not enough's, why not's and why me's
I realized how much I have been disconnected.
Not just from the internet, but from Living and truly seeing the Beauty of Life.
There is NO such thing as coincidence.
This happened for a reason.
It allowed me to Reflect and Remember.
On my Family
My relationships with each of them and how they are each reaching out
My friends and the Gift of Friendship.
How "Moments" are all that we really cherish at the end of the day and how hungry I am to create new ones.
Regretting ever being lazy
Time wasted and time cherished
The meaning of "Bliss"
God
My situation and seeing now why all this is happening to me and those around me.
Dreams
and how I didn't dream enough growing up
I can't articulate exactly what's stirring in me, but it's something grand and beautiful.
My eyes are re-opening and I'm taking a new yet familiar breath.
My perspective is evolving in so many ways and so very fast.
I am appreciating Life. Again.
I'm in love again with the "small" stuff.
I haven't felt my soul like this in a very long time.
I like it
I love it
I miss it
That's where I am
I'm reflecting
On my Blessing in Disguise
...And I'm ironically thankful that this is all happening to me.

I AM LOVED AND I LOVE BACK!
THE GIFT OF LIFE: DON'T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. LIVE IT. LIVE...IT!


"LiVe LiFe aS aN eXcLaMatIoN, nOt aN eXpLaNaTioN!"

My apologies...

My computer crashed after writing my last post and I literally just got it up and running this morning. I've been well and I'm sorry if I had you worrying about me. I'll write a more elaborate post later.

A quick update

I just wanted to check in with my daily readers to let you know that this weekend I shaved my head. My head is round (YAAAY!), but it's so white compared to my face! I'll have to work on tanning it, so it doesn't look so awkward. I took pictures that I will post at a later date. I lent my digital camera to a friend, so my pictures are on film that I will have to develop. My brother did the honours and if you know who my brother is, it was quite the experience. He gave me a mohawk at first, we took a picture together, then he shaved it all off.

Other than that, my weekend has been trying. Unlike the first cycle, I was a tad more nauseous resulting in more vomiting, not to mention more weak because I haven't been eating much.

Today I feel better. I think I might be able to eat today, but I haven't tried yet. I'm craving baby bok choy with oyster sauce! I feel as though I can eat an entire plate full. My mouth is still very dry and I have a chemical taste in my mouth that makes me want to vomit every now and then. On Saturday I almost wanted to give up...the nausea is just too much sometimes. Thinking that I have four more cycles was simply tiring, but I'm over it.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone....I'm probably the only one that hasn't pigged out this weekend! ;)

Jen

Broken Record

Yesterday I went back to St. Mike's with my stepmother for Chemo #2. Everything went smoothly. I brought my camera this time around, so this will be a fun post for you to read/see! I was told by one of the nurses that I broke a record. This may not surprise many of you, but I was feeling like a champ when she told me. She said that she has NEVER seen a patient come back for their second cycle of FEC 100 (my chemo mix) with hair! "YAAAAYY!"

The first thing the nurses did was check my blood. They accessed my port to obtain the blood and my neurophils came back at a whopping 5.98! I was at 0.45 on Friday Sept. 29th, so the shot in the abdomen definitely did its job!

I have to go back to the hospital today to get another shot to boost my white blood cells. They wanted me to administer this myself, but I said, "HELL NOOOO!". I told them I would walk, or crawl even back to the hospital just as long as I didn't have to inject it myself. They said if I dropped that low the first time, I will drop that low again. My nurse, Marlene, who also administered my first chemo was concerned with the mouth sores I had. I had lost a lot of weight as a result of it...7 lbs to be exact since my first cycle and the mouth sores are a result of having low blood counts. The pharmacist asked me if I had medical coverage because the shot is approx. $2500 and I need this shot after every cycle. So once again, I have to thank my employer, CI, for taking good care of me and their employees. Even working at my previous employers I was only covered 80%, which would be a lot of money to fork out still. The meds I've been prescribed to deal with the nausea do not come cheap! So thanks CI!!! MUAH!

Yesterday evening at around 6:30pm the nausea started to kick in. I can't say it was any better or worse than the first time around because to me nausea is nausea. It's a tough thing to ride and you just hope it goes away. I vomited a few times, but nothing compared to the "projectile" vomit from the orange juice the first time. (Sorry for being so graphic!)

Below are some pictures I took yesterday. Enjoy!

This is my IV bag and the bag in the back with the bottle taped to it is my pre-meds:

 

This is how they deliver my chemo. It's wrapped up in a plastic bag and the porters wash their hands after touching it. Crazy!!

 

The brown bag is just a cover because one the meds (FEC) is sensitive to light, but all of my chemo is in this bag...the "F", the "E" and the "C":

 

The strongest drug in my chemo is the Epirubicin, also known as "E". It is four red sringes they inject into my port. This drug here is what causes me to lose my hair and for my white blood cells to drop drastically. Thankfully, I have only one more cycle of this. My 4th to 6th cycles will be less aggressive. This shot here is of the nurse preparing to administer it. This drug here also causes my urine to turn red, but you know I've said before it's more like "MANGO MADNESS".

  

The nurses wear protective gear when handling chemo. It's funny how this stuff has to go IN me! You can see the nurse wearing protective gloves and if she wasn't camera shy, then I could show you the protective gown they wear, but Jean (the nurse) wouldn't let me take her picture....Ah, I'll get her next time when she isn't looking!

  

 
 


"MANGO MADNESS" (I'm sorry if this too graphic for you...I think it's funny!...and it is NOT blood, it's the chemo!)

 d 

This is the Cyclophosphamide..the "C" in my chemo, my last bag before I get to go home:

 

My nurse, Marlene, who isn't camera shy, and my stepmother:

 

Last night's beautiful sunset from my balcony...I didn't do anything to this shot, the red in the sky is "au naturale"

  

My cat being the cutie that she is. She was out in the balcony peeking through the inside of my unit! You just gotta love her!!

  

Day Before Chemo #2

I know some of you check everyday for an update, so here I am. I'm still having good days. My cold is gone and I feel good. I'm shedding more and more each day and my hair is no longer "POOFY" as I once referred to it as. It's getting thin, but thank God I have tons of hair because you can barely tell that I'm balding. The hair near my temples are very thin now and you can now see through it. Christina must have jinxed me! :P

I've been working the past couple days from home just to exercise my brain and to be somewhat productive. I've read all I can read about breast cancer, chemotherapy, radiation and nutrition that I need to do other things with my time now.

Tomorrow I'm scheduled for chemo cycle #2. They will check my blood again and will postpone it if my white blood cell count remains low (Neutrophils under 1.5....I was at 0.45 prior to the shot). I'm almost certain the shot they gave me last week did its job though and has been the reason why I've recovered from that cold. Tomorrow my stepmother has volunteered to be my chemo buddy.

So today I'm going to enjoy the day, just because I can. If tomorrow's chemo is going to be the same as my first cycle then tomorrow I plan to very nauseated.

I'll keep the blog up-to-date if I can. It's raining out today, but to me it's a sunny day! ;)

Good day

I seem to only write when things are going sour for me, so today I'm writing to let you know that today is a good day. I still have the cold lingering, but compared to last week when I was beat to the ground, I am NOT going to complain. I'm much better than I was a few days ago. My body isn't aching, the fever is gone and the sores in my mouth are healing thanks to "Mama Fix It" with the magic green gargle and my chemo brain has been kicked to the side today! ;)

Today I'm happy. Today I'm strong. Today I've been blessed with a good day.

Still shedding (I'm not shaved yet) and still smiling,
ME! :D

Shaving my head?

I think I'm going to get my brother to shave my head tonight. I don't want to, but I've been shedding non-stop lately. There's hair E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E....on my clothes, on my pillow, in my hat, in the shower, just everywhere. At the rate that it's going I'm going to have extremely thin hair by the end of next week. I'll let you know if I do...I'll take pictures and post them too. YIKES!

Let me know your thoughts...then again, it might be shaved by the time you read this!

UPDATE: I didn't go through with it. I started and then stopped. My brother's razor wasn't working properly, so I'm going to wait to borrow one from one of my friends. Here are some pictures anyway. The first shot is of the hair I've lost from this afternoon in my hat. The others are obvious. ENJOY!

This episode will continue, so stay tuned...

 

 

 

  

CIBC Run for a Cure

Today is the CIBC Run for a Cure [http://www.cbcf.org/en-US/ontario.aspx] where runners/walkers start and finish at Nathan Phillips Square. I was hoping to meet the few people dedicating their walk/run to me at the finish line today, but last week taught me an important lesson: I am not invincible. I've decided to stay in and away from the germs since I'm now beginning to feel better from the cold, fever and sores I was suffering from last week. I'm saddened that I'm unable to attend and wanted to genuinely thank and hug my runners/walkers, so since I can't do that today I've decided to pay tribute!

Celia Gonzalez: "My Chiquita Banana!!" I met Celia working at Royal Bank in 1999. She came from Montreal and was assigned to sit in front of me. We immediately became friends, although I'm pretty sure we both thought of each other as nuts back then. We were just two completely different people. I'm sure we hung out solely for entertainment purposes at first until we realized that we both had substance and we both had so much to learn from each other. Since then, we've always remained good friends. Life sometimes creates a fairly large gap between us, however we seem to NEVER skip a beat when we finally talk. Celia is the older sister I've never had. She watches over me, loves me and cares for me as if I were blood. Her sister, Adriana, might also be running today has always treated me so kind throughout the years.

Vanessa Falcon: My thoughful, kind, loving and generous cousin. She married my cousin Ted a few years back and although we're not as close as we probably should be, I know with no doubt in my heart that she's got my back. In the coming years, we plan to bridge that gap. She's super cool and down to earth....two traits I love the most in people! Thanks Vanessa! and thank you too Ted! ;) I love you both!

 
  
Reza Manouchehri: There are some people that cross my Life's path that I would have never expected to and through their subtle acts of kindness become bigger players than I would have imagined in my Life Story. I sometimes look back and have to wonder where it all started. Reza (and Celia for that matter), are like that. I met Reza back in 2004 when I started working for the wonderful CI Funds (currently CI Investments). I was assigned to phone-shadow with him. I learned that he was a chef and LOVED to cook, which was great because I had a love for cooking and loved to eat. He would share cooking tips and recipes with me and even brought me his infamous lunch one day...yes, the oh so yummy chicken wrap! The past two years working with Rez has been fun. He's taught me how to care and save dying office plants (my Jade plant, Samuel), he believed in my ability to do well at work and he was kind enough to lend his cooking skills and time for a fundraiser. Reza is just an all around good guy.

I'm so tempted to just go to the finish line wearing a mask now! That's my tribute, it's only words, but they are from my heart. The moment these people new I was diagnosed, I was told that they would dedicate their run to me. Thank you all so much!!!

I have never doubted it, yet the Higher Being reminds me every day that I AM LOVED!