The big "D"

I'm out of my funk. It lasted a few days. I've never been one to cry and for some reason I couldn't control this bout. Crying for happy reasons is actually easier for me than sad ones, but the overall process of shedding tears is one that I've never been good at. So when I do (for sad ones) I'm surprised that something or some one got to me in such a way that I actually shed tears.

I was doing my usual reflecting and I landed trapped in a dark place. This place tore my heart open, took all my goodies and left me in a corner with nothing, but hurt. The only way I know how to let you in on this is to guide you through the many emotions and thoughts that I, and/or any one going through this goes through in a day, here's a glimpse:

First, you try to be strong, emotionally and physically...for yourself and then those around you. You have to get through the day and you got to do it one day at a time. Trying to tackle more than today is too much energy that should be spent on trying to get better. You live for the moment...moment-to-moment.

Then you try to maintain a positive attitude...in your thoughts, your actions, your reactions. The mind is a major player in beating this, recovering and ultimately surviving.

You try to balance the serious with the not so serious. You don't want to laugh too much because cancer isn't all that funny, but on the other hand you don't want to be too serious that you forget to live out what could be your last days. You want balance. It's like a diet...it's very important, but not easy!

You reflect. You press the "subtotal" button on your life and wonder, "Have I lived a life that I'm satisfied with?" You think about your friends, your family, past relationships, your work, what you've contributed and what you've taken out of life and ask, "Would God be happy with what I've done so far? Am I happy? Have I treated people fairly and do I have any regrets I can control?" The regrets become goals that you want to make right.

You appreciate. You appreciate the people that are there for you. You appreciate the life you've had so far. You appreciate Life for all its worth...both the good and the bad. It re-confirms that the bad happened for a reason and makes you who you are. Remember, the greatest lessons are taught when we lose, or when we think Life has failed us and when we make mistakes. I've lost many times and made many mistakes. I thought life could have been sweeter to me at times, but without my life's trials I wouldn't be half the woman I am today.

You love more. You realize that life IS short. A saying heard and read all too often, but never really felt until you have something wanting to take it all away. Your hugs are more warm. Your words are more sincere. Your actions are carefully thought out. You show more affection.

You get angry. You might even get the golden, "Why me?" again, but when you search inside and up for the reason and accept it, you move on and stop wasting energy on this. I'm fortunate that I found my reason early. You get angry because there are things you can't control and wish to. There are people and things that simply let you down and a natural reaction is to get mad because you just want a break from all this, but ultimately it's just hurt. This road to recovery is indeed a tough one, but you have to endure.

Then after all this, sometimes you end up exhausted, as I did. You're physically more weak because the treatments are doing it's thing and so much of your energy is being used just to get by, that one day, without any warning you get hit with the the big "D". Doubt! You doubt your strength, you doubt God, you doubt the medicine, you doubt the doctors, you doubt your friendships, you doubt the reason you found for this happening to you. This is an emotion that's natural and given, but you HAVE TO fight your way out of it. This is NOT the place you want to be in. This is the place I came back from. Every attempt out left me sad, broken and in tears. I am not here any more and am thankful it was a short ride, but riding this one out was a tough one because not knowing if you're even strong enough well, let's just say it keeps you there.

So what have I learned from all this? Well for one, having Faith is extremely crucial. Secondly, to attain Wisdom one must simply Endure. And finally, if you hang in there long enough with eyes, ears and arms open help WILL come.

Thank you Jun and especially Tee for catching my fall and being my Angels in Disguise...I love you more than you'll ever know, MUAH!

The circle continues....